Week 38: Stretchmark :(

I got it.  I got a stretchmark.  It is tiny – it looks like a few little spots.  Like tiny footprints!  From my son!

Nope, you can’t make me find it cute, despite your (and the Lumberjack’s) best attempts.  Thumbs down.

1. that’s a big baby, and 2. we need to clean the bathroom mirror.

Otherwise, however, everything is GREAT.  We met with Laura (our midwife) on Saturday, and after reviewing my carefully charted blood pressure readings from last week…she thinks I can birth at the center!!!  I have to have another week of low readings like last week’s, but still.  It’s a real option again.  I feel so happy and relieved.  I’m still reminding myself that we might not get it, and am trying to make sure I don’t get my hopes up only to get heartbroken again, but it’s hard.  Because I feel so positive about this.  I really feel like it’s going to happen.  We can do this, baby!

I had the “growth ultrasound” today, which confirmed that he is still right on target.  Everything looked great.  She estimated that he weighs 7lbs 15oz.  She printed me a picture of his profile, and I swear he looks like the Lumberjack.  If the Lumberjack was a smooshed up fetus, I guess.

The house is still getting organized, slowly.  We are still working on names.  Tonight’s suggestions were Pistol, Swelter, and Seuss.  Seriously, where is the Lumberjack getting these ideas?


Week 32: F you, pubic bone.

So apparently this is a thing, and I have it.

Basically: there’s a joint in the pubic bone so that it can spread a bit to let out a baby.  Thanks to relaxin, some lucky ladies have pubic bones that get a little feisty and decide to open up early.  This results in the painful feeling of one’s pubic bone snapping in two.

SUUUUUUUCKS.  Okay, it’s not really THAT bad.  And it should go away once I stop being pregnant.  So that’s good.  But in the meantime, it hurts!  Suggestions for “treatment” are just tips to keep the pelvis stabilized (don’t swim the breaststroke, don’t fling one leg out of the car really fast, keep thighs parallel, etc).  My favourite is “keep your legs together.”  Thanks, smartass – if I could manage that, I wouldn’t have gotten knocked up in the first place.

Other than the whole “my pubic bone is about to snap in half” sensation that happens periodically throughout the day, I’m still feeling good.  Keeping up my iron intake, sticking with my exercise, etc.  Still on-track to birth a super genius baby.

bikini time!

The Lumberjack has gotten hilariously uber-defensive of the baby, and, by extension, me.  Anyone (humans or animals – he yelled at a goose the other day after it hissed at me) who seems to threaten my physical safety has become an enemy.  He’s sweet & gentle enough that it all just seems ridiculously cute.  How dare that jogger nearly trample me!  PROTECT THE BABY.

Baby movements have gotten intense.  He no longer just jabs me periodically – I can now feel an entire foot (or knee?  or elbow?) press against me, very solidly.  When I push back, he slides to the side and IT IS SO CREEPY, YOU GUYS.  I am so happy & so excited & totally full of OMG I AM GROWING AN AMAZING HUMAN BABY but still, it’s fucking creepy.

I’m totally in awe of what my body is currently up to.  I’m growing a person!  WTF?!  I’m having a lot of empathy these days for people who want to do this but are unable to.  It seems so bizarre that some of us have bodies that can get knocked up without even trying while others can’t get there despite trying everything possible, and there’s no logic or reason for the difference.  I feel very grateful and lucky that once this kid pops out, we get to just take him home and BAM we have a baby.  No lengthy adoption waiting lists or interviews or ridiculous costs or whatever.  Due solely to our untamed fertility, the Lumberjack & I get to have the family we want.  It’s giving me a wider perspective on the issue, similar to the greater understanding I had towards marriage after I actually got hitched (aka for fuck’s sake, let everyone get married you dickheads).

To sum up: I like being pregnant, I don’t like my pubic bone, I love the Lumberjack, and I should get back to work.

Week 29: the Lumberjack is older

This week was the Lumberjack’s birthday!  In a fit of domestic bliss, I baked my first cake (from scratch).  I was even barefoot while doing it.  This was not necessarily the future I would have guessed for myself a decade ago.  One of our best friends shares a birthday with him, so we had a joint birthday picnic.  We ended up staying there for 7 hours and hosting way more people than expected, so my Saturday evening = me on the couch, totally beat.  Operation Pregnant Wife was a success.  Look how cute they are.

In baby news, he has gone CRAZY with the kick-boxing.  The other day I could barely concentrate at work (to be fair, I was sitting in on the world’s most boring interview ever) because I kept staring at my stomach, watching it MOVE FROM WITHIN.  He still only wants to hang out on my right side, though, which is starting to make me look a little lopsided.  I like the dependability though, always knowing exactly where he is.

I’m still gaining about a pound a week.  My knees are definitely feeling the difference.  At a friend’s house last weekend we had a bonfire and wrote down things we wanted to shed on pieces of paper, then burned them.  One of mine was “fear of 200” because I need to get over my vain issues with hitting 200lbs.  My friends immediately did the whole “oh, you won’t weigh that much!” and “don’t worry, you look amazing!” etc.  I said “I…weigh 199.5 right now.  THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN.”  I keep reminding myself that the pounds are for the baby, and that it’s healthy and normal to gain weight, and blah blah blah 200 is just an arbitrary number.  I know.  I know!  Still.  200 is so daunting.  I am working on it.

We’ve come up with a few more names for the list – we now have 5 top picks.  I don’t want to pick a final name until I see his little face, but it’s nice to have a few ideas to work with.  My parents still dislike everything we’ve come up with.

On Monday I fly off to Jacksonville (Florida), where I will live out of a hotel for 2 weeks while training 8am-4pm every day.  Can you sense my enthusiasm?  I tried to convince the Lumberjack to come visit me over the weekend.  He said “…in Florida?!” and then didn’t stop laughing.  So, technically, he didn’t say no.

Week Nine

This past week was pretty unremarkable.  The whole “with child” thing has settled in, and is no longer consuming all my thoughts.  I do still build up a very impressive shopping bag of Gap maternity clothes on a daily basis, but I’m getting better at x-ing out of the window before actually buying anything.

Being married is awesome.  The Lumberjack is awesome.  I can’t stop snuggling up to him on the couch (my favourite place to reside within the apartment, since I still feel lethargic and overall icky every night) and kissing his face.  His face is so kissable!  He is going to be embarrassed when/if I make this blog known to our Real Life Friends, but seriously.  LOOK AT THIS FACE.

cutest Easter Bunny ever

Exactly.  You cannot not kiss it.  Well, I cannot.  I would rather you not, actually.

So anyway, I regularly swoon over my good luck to be happily married to my best possible partner in a good-enough-for-now apartment with 2 great cats, working at a job that I like and that earns me enough to support our growing family.  Seriously, I’m fucking lucky.  I’ve been a little overwhelmed lately with acknowledging what a great place I’m in, and being grateful to everything that allowed me to get here.

Pregnancy hormones!  You are not just for weepy days anymore.

Anyway, back to Week Nine.  Everything was fine, really.  I told my dance troupe about the upcoming arrival, and they were amazingly excited and supportive.  I slept a lot, and tried to remember to eat a lot.  Things are supposedly getting bigger on the inside, but nothing’s really showing yet.  So, you know.  Just a regular week.  EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THERE IS AN ALIEN INSIDE ME.

Oh!  I discovered that I can easily get my heart rate up on the elliptical machine, without gasping for breath.  Since pre-alien I was running 30-45 minutes 4-5 days a week, not being able to exercise (other than a somewhat brisk walk, which, please) was killing me.  But the elliptical machine is magic!  I hit it up 4 times last week and felt great.  I’m still hoping that I’ll be able to run again soon, but I don’t feel quite so desperate anymore.

Now I think it’s time to eat again.  Sheesh.

The Importance of Eating

So, yesterday I fainted on the subway.  THAT sucked.

I drank my usual protein shake before leaving the house.  While I was standing on the platform waiting for the train, I felt really anxious (that’s my body’s current way of alerting me to hunger), but since I couldn’t do anything about it, I just ignored it.  The train arrived and was completely packed.  I momentarily considered asking for a seat, but didn’t want to be the annoying whiny lady, so I just stood up against the closed doors.  The train was really warm, and I didn’t have enough room to take my coat off.  I tried to read my book, but it made me nauseous.  This all seemed uncomfortable, but not dangerous, so I just leaned back and looked out the window and tried to suck it up.

Suddenly, things were not right.  I thought I was going to puke, and desperately tried to figure out how exactly that would work on a crowded commuter train.  Then my hands got clammy, I got super dizzy, and everything went dark around the edges like tunnel-vision.  I thought “if I just sit on the floor, everything will be okay,” so I started to bend at the knees, when…

I was on the floor, and there were a bunch of REALLY freaked out business people standing around staring down at me.  A woman pulled me up and told me I fainted, then handed me my earring (plus backing!) that she had found on the floor.  Thanks, lady!  They all hustled me over to a vacated seat, then all stared at me like I was a wounded wild animal.  I told them “it’s okay…I’m pregnant,” like that made it okay instead of making it scarier.

Once I was seated, I suddenly felt much better, although still super anxious and jittery (aka hungry).  A woman standing next to me admonished me (sweetly), saying “you have to demand a seat!  no one will just give it to you – you have to ask!”  It’s true.

We arrived at the next stop, where most people get off, and the earring lady leaned over to me again to make sure I was okay.  I thanked everyone profusely for their help.  Then the conductor announced over the loudspeaker “we’re going to hold here for a few minutes due to a medical emergency on the train,” and I thought “holy crap, I wonder what happened!”

Ha!  *I* happened!  A paramedic suddenly stuck his head through the door and everyone pointed at me, and he said “would you like to get off so we can check you out?”  I initially wanted to say no, since I was already feeling way too center-of-attention-y, but went with him anyway.  We sat on the platform and they checked my blood pressure, oxygen rate, blood sugar levels, everything.  We decided that I need to seriously look into the whole eating concept.

I went to work for an hour, but still felt all crazy and anxious so I went home and spent the day on the couch.  With the Lumberjack force-feeding me every few hours.  And…I feel way better.

Today there was a seat available, so I didn’t have to ask anyone.  One stop later, a couple got on and the man asked me and the guy sitting next to me if either of us could get up so his pregnant wife could sit down.  The guy got up, so she sat next to me.  She turned to me and said “it’s so hard to ask for a seat – I’m glad my husband was here to do it!” and I almost hugged her.  We talked the whole way in about pregnancy and fainting and asking for help.  Turns out we work 3 blocks apart, so now I have my first pregnant friend!  Lunch dates in the near future.

Also in my future: EATING A WHOLE LOT.

End of Week Seven

We’re back from the honeymoon!  And…it was awesome.  A wonderful reminder that I picked the very best husband for me.  Now we are home, I am back to work, and without all the wedding things to distract me, I can actually think about: omg, I’m pregnant.

Update on my uterus:

Over the past few days I have had a panic attack each morning.  Those are usually rare for me, and I have a prescription for Ativan that I can take to manage them as needed.  Ativan will apparently give the baby gills, so I haven’t been taking it, and have instead been suffering through them.  Well, yesterday I realized – nope, not a panic attack.  Just OVERWHELMING HUNGER.  As a happy, healthy, privileged American, I’ve never experienced extreme hunger.  I had no idea what it was like.  Spoiler alert: it sucks.  So now I have to eat pretty much all the time.

Oh, food.  Half the time you revolt me, the other half you make me sing I’m so happy to be eating you.  I haven’t puked at all, but I’ve definitely been feeling queasy and icky most of the time.  No weird cravings, although I want to eat produce all the time.  ALL THE TIME.  I’ve become totally disinterested in ice cream and cake (this is very strange for me) but want to eat sorbet and other fruity things nonstop.  Damn.  Now I want frozen yogurt.

And the tears!  Oh, the tears.  Out of nowhere my whole face smooshes up and I totally fall apart.  For, about 5 minutes.  Then I feel normal again.  So much fun!  Yesterday I needed to eat a fruit/yogurt parfait for breakfast (seriously.  NEEDED), so the Lumberjack very sweetly took me to 4 different places until we found one (Starbucks.  omg THANK YOU) and I immediately felt normal again.  Then we went to a diner so he could eat too, and I burst into tears for being too high maintenance.  LBJ sweetly patted my hand, then opened up the napkin on the table and handed me a pencil, saying “here, draw me a picture of how it feels to be pregnant.”  LBJ, you get me like no one else.  He’s a keeper.

Questions for you, dear readers:

Books!  Which books do I read?!  The internet is giving me way too much information, and I have no idea what is actually useful.

Do I need stuff?  Are there things that I should know about?  Please, tell me your secrets.  I have no pregnant friends (that I know of) and haven’t told people about this yet so I feel like I’m missing out.  Like when I was a preteen and all the other girls were allowed to read Seventeen Magazine so they knew all the makeup secrets.  I want to join your club.

10K hike

So, I did a 10K race yesterday to start off my new year…and discovered that I might be a little more tired than usual. Also, the stupid course included a 2 mile mountain! What the hell! I finished, albeit super drained and cranky. My usual 10K time is 1:01-1:07. I finished in 1:35. Oops. Love this picture of me at the top of the mountain, totally over it. Guess I’ll have to change my training for the next few months.


I got an award!  So exciting!

Thanks so much to Broken Condoms (the irony of thanking failed birth control is not lost on me) for linking to me – I’m still brand new, and totally appreciate being connected with more people.  Especially pregnant people who will post things that make me feel more normal.  Get on that, won’t you?

I’m not following many people yet, especially since no one knows I’m pregnant so I can’t connect this blog with anyone I know.  But here are the blogs I’ve been reading so far:

  1. I’ll Sleep When They’re Grown
  2. Dear #$&!% Baby
  3. and baby makes three
  4. Southern Fried Chicken in Vegas
  5. Growing Itty-Bitty
  6. The Waiting
  7. MombieConfessions
  8. and, of course: brokencondoms

And now, 7 things about me!  I will try to make them all fascinating.

1.  I’m engaged.  And I’m getting married IN THREE DAYS.  Aaaand…I’m pregnant.  The title of this blog probably gave that away.  I’ve been dating the Lumberjack for 3.5 years, living together for 1.5, we’ve been talking marriage since the summer and got officially engaged in October.  Then sometime in late November or early December, BAM.  Shotgun Fetus showed up.  I don’t feel ashamed or embarassed about getting pregnant while unmarried, but I still want to keep this a secret for awhile longer because I’m worried that people will think we got married just because I’m pregnant.  Everyone was already wondering when we announced the engagement in October and then told everyone we were getting married in December.  Our reasoning made perfect sense: we wanted a small, family-only ceremony so it wouldn’t take long to plan, and some vital family members were going to be in town for xmas and probably wouldn’t be back in the country for another year or so.  But most people still wondered if it was a rush job due to impending parenthood.  So, I don’t want them to think they were right.  Or that I was lying when I told them I wasn’t pregnant, back when I swear I wasn’t!  Or at least didn’t know.  I don’t know.  I just want everyone to keep knowing that we are getting married because we’re in love and want to be legally bound for life.  So, they can hear about the baby a few months from now and maybe they won’t be able to do the math.

2.  I take my clothes off for money.  I’ve been in my burlesque troupe for 7 years, and I love the stage, the rhinestones, the glitter.  We do traditional bump-n-grind sort of numbers – we get booked for a lot of 20’s era corporate parties.  And, yes, we strip down to pasties and g-strings in at least half our performances (usually NOT the corporate parties).  Therefore I have no idea how a growing uterus will work in this venue.

3.  I’m a long-distance runner.  Last December, I decided that I wanted to run a Half Marathon.  I think it was just because someone posted about running one on Facebook?  I have no idea.  It came out of nowhere.  But then…I did it!  I trained for 6 months, and ran a bunch of shorter races, and this past June I ran my first Half.  And then in October I ran my second.  I’ve been planning to run my third this coming March, and to train for and run my first full marathon by next fall…I guess that’s not going to happen anymore.  I definitely want to keep running, and pending my first pre-natal visit in 2 weeks, I may be able to keep the March half, but I don’t see how I can train for my first marathon ever while growing a human being inside me.  That sounds unnecessarily draining.

4.  You pay my salary.  I quit being an attorney after a year when I realized how much it sucked.  Now I’m an investigator with the US Dept of Labor, and am SO MUCH HAPPIER.  I get to do all the fun attorney stuff – planning the case, investigating the facts, interviewing & deposing, etc…but none of that legal memo courtroom drama crap.  So, thanks for paying your federal taxes so that I can have a job.

5.  I am way too easily entertained.  Puns leave me giggling uncontrollably for 5+ minutes.  Commericals that most people think are stupid make me completely lose my mind.  The worse the joke, the more likely it is to send me on an unstoppable laughing loop.

6.  I live in Oakland, California, and I love it.  I grew up in the East Bay, until age 12 when my family packed up and moved to Bangkok.  After graduation, I came back to the States for college (Los Angeles), and then moved back up here in 1999 and have been here ever since.  I love Oakland the best.  The Lumberjack loves San Francisco the best.  I won him over to the East Side last year when we moved in together, seeing as how we can actually afford a cute place over here whereas over there we’d be stuck in a shitty studio.  He keeps dreaming of moving back across the Bay.  I just pat him and say “sure, baby, we can do that soon.”

7.  I like the way I look, and am totally scared that Shotgun Fetus is going to fuck it all up.