Conversation while watching Prison Break

me: Oh my god, we need to have a second baby.

Lumberjack: why?

me: What if this baby is Lincoln? HE NEEDS A MICHAEL SCOFIELD.


Week 22: baby’s last burlesque show

Getting ready to blow the baby’s MIND

Last night I realized how awesome the Baby Blank Slate is going to be.  He is going to be amazed at EVERYTHING.  Hey kid, look at this!  HOLY SHIT IT’S A BUTTERFLY.  The baby is going to be like a tiny little Insane Clown Posse (ohmygodpleaseno) all “magnets; how do they work?” except unlike the ICP nimrods I will EXPLAIN EXACTLY HOW THEY WORK.

Just kidding, I’ll let my mom handle that.  I don’t think I actually know the answer.

But!  How awesome is it going to be to have a little person around who will be amazed at whatever I put in front of him.  Look, a dog!  What’s a dog?  YOU HAVE NO IDEA.  CHECK THIS SHIT OUT.

I told the Lumberjack that my goal is to blow the baby’s mind at least once a day.  I can tell he’s super psyched to co-parent with me.

Week 22: the Lumberjack steals all my attention.

I’m still enjoying the unicorn sparkly rainbow happiness of the second trimester, but  the poor Lumberjack is not nearly as happy…poor guy got The Flu, and has been pretty miserable for almost a week.  He started sleeping on the couch, since his coughing was waking me up (it was seriously like an air horn right in my ear) and he didn’t want to infect me (aww).  I told him this was ridiculous – he’s sick!  he gets the bed!  He responded with – you’re pregnant!  you get the bed!  This was a stupid argument, but I let him win anyway.  Besides, it’s a very comfortable couch, and he gets the tv.  I think he’ll survive.

So anyway, I get to play nurse, and make up a bed for him, bring him coconut water, etc.  Last night when I was getting him clean sheets, I realized THIS IS WHAT MOMS DO and I got a little excited.  Not that I want to have a sick kid.  But it’s a really good feeling to be able to take care of people I love and know I’m helping them feel a little bit better.

(I will also be glad when he is healthy again so that I can go back to being the one waited on.  I only have 18 more weeks!)

I had my final burlesque show on Saturday.  It felt good to get back out on the stage, and sad to be leaving…but also: damn, I get tired easily.  I think this is the right time to (temporarily!) hang up my pasties.

4 week change

I just noticed that I’m wearing the same outfit to work as I did 4 weeks ago, so I took another work bathroom photo for comparison.  My belly is officially bigger than my boobs.

week 17

week 21


Week 21: It’s a boy – aka, the time I burst into tears during an ultrasound

We are having a boy (until a few years from now, when he tells us differently).

I was not expecting a boy; I did not want a boy.  I had no idea I felt this way, however, until Friday’s ultrasound when the lab tech said “You’re having a son!” and I literally burst into tears (not the happy kind).  Woah.

I sobbed all the way home, without really understanding what my problem was.  And on and off again all weekend.  Like, intense, body-wracking sobs.  Harder than I’ve cried since the Lumberjack’s mom died 2 years ago.  The Lumberjack, meanwhile, who had been expressing his preference of a girl all along while I stuck with my overly optimistic “I don’t care as long as it’s healthy!” perspective, could not contain his smile.  He was lighting up every corner of the house.  We figured out later that he knew what he preferred, so he was prepared for the alternative.  Whereas I had completely denied having a preference, so I was totally blindsided by the fact that I had one, and that I wasn’t getting it.

So anyway.

The baby is healthy, you will be happy to hear (as was I).  I have an anterior placenta, which explains why I haven’t felt much movement.  The baby has a huge brain, and a quickly beating heart, and he grabs his little toes when the lab tech is trying to get a clear picture of them.  He has tiny toes!  Because he is tiny!

I did a bunch of reading on “gender disappointment” over the weekend, and apparently 1) I am not alone, and 2) I have it WAY better than some of the women out there.  One lady said that she regularly considers giving up her 3 boys for adoption, so that they can be with someone “who really loves them.”  Holy shit.  But the main thing I learned was that a lot of women have a general idea or vision of what their kid will look/be like, and it usually has a specific gender.  So finding out that you didn’t get that gender requires you to rewrite your perspective of what you’re getting, while simultaneously mourning the kid you won’t be getting (this time around, anyway).

I’m going to have a baby, and he’s going to be a little boy, and somewhere in the past few hours I suddenly got So Fucking Psyched.  I don’t know what happened.  I was walking to work listening to KC and the Sunshine Band’s “Baby Give it Up” and suddenly I pictured myself with a little boy, dancing around a kitchen, and I got so totally, blissfully happy.  I guess I rewrote my vision, and now I’m the one who can’t stop smiling.


I told the Lumberjack “I still need this baby to be a feminist.”  He said “Well, yeah…I assumed that would be a given.  I mean, we’re the ones who are going to be shaping his world view.”  Hot damn I love my Lumberjack.

Week 20: Halfway there! Also, I puked.

We are now at the half-way point.

Lots of ups and downs this week.  First, I found out that a friend in my Pregnant Lady Group lost one of her babies (she was pregnant with twins).  I certainly viewed miscarriage as an awful thing before I got knocked up, but hearing about it while pregnant had a much bigger impact on me than I expected.  Especially since I had started getting nervous that I wasn’t feeling any activity.  So there was just an air of sadness, for lack of a better phrase, over the whole week.

Then, I found out that a friend of mine at work is also pregnant – just 4 weeks behind me (this is the work friend that I went on the crappy work trip with at Week 11).  It’s nice to have someone else to talk with about pregnancy stuff, but something tells me people are going to start making annoying jokes once we’re both waddling around later this summer.

Saturday we saw our midwife.  The Center that we’re using has everyone meet bi-weekly for “group” where we all talk/share concerns/etc, and then meet individually with the midwife for a belly check.  This was our first week.  We were not terribly impressed.  We are in “group” with some reeeeeeally annoying people.  I’m sure they’re nice, but they’re just a little too…too something.  I don’t know.  We had to go around and introduce ourself with our name, due date, and any current concerns.  One woman introduced herself with those facts, and then afterward her husband started his self-introduction with “and she’s ALSO an amazing poet, intellectual, and activist.”  Well okay then.  So, there was some eye-rolling.

But!  My midwife!  Laura Perez!  She is great.  I think we spent an hour with her.  We talked about my diet, mostly, and exercise.  And she included the Lumberjack in everything which made me really happy.  Obviously I’m the owner of the body that’s going through all this, but he’s still becoming a parent just as quickly as I am, and he’s a really important partner in this whole process.  It drives me crazy when the partner of the pregnant person gets ignored.  Don’t get me wrong, people that say “We’re pregnant” make me insane unless they are both literally pregnant.  But I think that the partner needs support, attention and assistance too.

So anyway.  She checked me with the doppler, and BAM, there was the baby’s heartbeat, just chugging away.  As soon as she said “there’s the baby” the Lumberjack and I smiled so big at each other.  I definitely didn’t have the “oh em GEE!!!” moment when I heard the heartbeat for the first time lo those many weeks ago, but this time I felt what I think everyone else keeps talking about.  I had been so nervous all week (and probably got the Lumberjack all nervous too – sorry), so hearing it and knowing I was growing a baby in there was just…awesome.  And it was nice to share that moment with the Lumberjack, and to see that we both had the exact same immediate response of “YAY.”

there they go, getting us lost.

On Sunday, we went up to Santa Rosa to visit the Lumberjack’s brother, who I will name the Navigator (you will understand why this is hilarious later).  We went for an easy 2-mile hike in the Jack London State Park.  Sounded great!  I forgot my water bottle & my snacks in the car, but whatever – we wouldn’t be gone long.


Somewhere along the way, one of those guys got us way off course.  I kept pointing out that the “trails” we were on did not seem to be maintained in the usual State Park fashion.  But usually I would notice this after we had been going downhill for awhile, so the alternative was to backtrack uphill, and that wasn’t too appealing.

I got real tired, and also real hungry & thirsty.  I AM GROWING A HUMAN, YOU GUYS.  STOP GETTING ME LOST.

Anyway, we eventually found ourselves wandering through private property and out onto a road.  At which point my phone got reception and showed us that we had left the park at least 2 miles ago.  And that there were no direct roads back to the park – we’d have to make a multi-mile side trip to get back to our car.  That might have been when I started cursing them out in my mind.  But then!  We passed a lady gardening and the Navigator asked her how to get back to the park.  She looked startled and said “Uh, you’re pretty far away.  I better just drive you – it will take about an hour, hour and a half for you to walk back.”

NICEST LADY EVER.  She also had a killer garden, with chickens & bees.  Reminded me of Krista & Jess.

Okay, I know, you want to hear about the puking.  I hadn’t puked once during my pregnancy!  I was so proud of this.  But after this Epic Journey, I was understandably starving.  So we went to a restaurant, and I ate dinner.  I may have eaten a bit more than necessary, however.  It didn’t seem like a lot, but then I need a milkshake (yes, NEEDED) which I apparently drank at a ridiculous pace.  I immediately felt like I was about to explode, in the worst, most awful and painful way I have ever felt.  It was Horrible.  So with me wandering around the parking lot crying, we said goodbye to the Navigator and headed back home.  Within 10 minutes of driving: puke.  Luckily we had a plastic bag in the car, so all my clothes survived.  But still: gross.

The worst part was that I picked such good, healthy choices for dinner.  So much protein!  Greens!  Organic & delicious!  Then I puked it all up and ended the night eating jello.  Take that, baby.

Baby Names

The Lumberjack’s latest idea is to name the baby BA Baracus (yes, that’s Mr. T’s character on the A Team) if it’s a boy, or Baroness if it’s a girl.

I don’t know what to do with him.

Week 19: you guys, I’m totally pregnant

So it’s really official now – everyone knows it.  I am pregnant.  My stomach sticks out, I have to pee all the time, I lose all concentration if I haven’t eaten in over an hour, my nose is always running, and WHAT IS UP WITH MY SCALP.  I have dandruff.  wtF.  I’m not enjoying that part.

That's a new profile

But otherwise this pregnancy thing is pretty fun.  I really do sit around with my hands on my belly.  I take it on adventures (on Friday we went on a little picnic), just me and the belly.  I take pictures of it from my perspective, and record little anecdotes about what we’re up to.  The plan is to make it all into a little book, but who knows if I’ll actually make that happen. 

I had another one of my stupid freakouts last night, where I inexplicably decide that the Lumberjack is eventually going to tire of me, that I’m not interesting enough/don’t share his interests/don’t want to spend two hours at experimental music concerts/etc, and that it’s only a matter of time before I am OLD and ALONE with NOTHING.  I wish I could blame this on pregnancy hormones, but this random panicking is par for the course for me (and So Much Fun for the Lumberjack).  Anyway, the Lumberjack was, as usual, sweet and kind without actually giving any credence to my stupid fears.  And he said “of course I’m not going to leave you – you and the Little Terrorist are my family.” 

We Are A Family.  Whaaaaaaat.  It’s true, and so weird to realize.  It’s not just the two of us, a legal entity that could be undone if desired.  We’re a FAMILY and are forevermore linked and united. 

So, that’s awesome.